hey livejournal, its me.


i haven't been around for awhile. i doubt i'll even get to the submit button on this entry, largely in part to- i already feel like pressing the red button in the top left corner of safari, but i'm going to force myself not to. i'm going to force myself to write a wall of text as a means of, well i don't know, it seems like the right thing to do right now.


and why is that exactly? i've just spent 42 minutes (actually alot less,i pulled that number out of nowhere) reading the entries in this journal in reverse order from the most recent one to sometime in august 2004, a quick update, i'm STILL bothered, haunted even by the period of time between august 2004 and october 2006. but its not about a broken heart anymore, i'm over that.

thinking about it now, i've realized life may have given me one the most cinematic youth sendoffs in history. it played out like this, a young male that would do anything for love , meets the girl of his dreams from a far away land, he finds his way to her and they engage in an epic romance, overcoming any and all obstacles that stand in their way of happiness, starting out 3000 miles apart, they end up living a mere 10 minute walk from eachother along the same avenue in the greatest city in the world, new york. the only problem is, if you were watching this in the movie theatre, this is the part where the credits roll inferring that the aformentioned main characters live happily ever after, fast forward a few months to the point where everything they've worked for in the name of love begins to unravel at unrelenting speed leading the male lead into a downward spiral of which the negative repercussions have a long lasting and possibly permanent effect, resulting in what begun as a step in the direction of candy coated grandeur taking a left turn into a life of mediocracy.

since then i've become emotionally reclusive to the point where i can barely even use the word "I" without an uncomfortable wave crashing over me, even now i can barely keep this window open, im basically forcing myself to type, which is alot easier than forcing myself to talk. me and my close friends never talk about anything except black people and diarrhea, we never have real conversations, and when we do, they feel forced and shallow, i am reclusive enough as it is, i never want to go out , i just want to stay in and do nothing, id rather talk to people but i just can't, everything i say i just feel like im just following some kind of instruction booklet, you know doing but not really learning. sort of. im way off topic withi this now .

i hold onto it way too tight dont i.


what?


that old life. the one where i sat in cars , drove through towns, ate in diners. i can't believe that was two years ago. i dont know what it is. i feel like its because it was just so much better that here. like i loved it sooo much more than i ever could have expressed. by now the people are probably interchangeable but i really do miss the whole thing. and it makes me feel bad. it was high school for someone. thats not what i miss about it but i still feel like, its time to find something else and stop holding everything up to that. its over. its over its over its over. that subway line is out of service and the shuttle bus took me here. and thats the only direction i can look. i hold my standards too high, i used to be bitter but i might as well have been a teletubby or something compared to now. but im starting to question if its right or fair. i'm not part of that anymore. not a single bit. did i really pick up habits or am i just grasping to hold on as long as i can? people are always giving me shit about my lacoste polos. i hate it. they think im a crazy fuck for wearing them. but in new york people wont even look at you unless your clothes are at least that high end. and its not even that high end. i never act high class. i tell people i wear them becuase they were referenced by carlton in an episode of fresh prince. but at the same time. im got really used to seeing well dressed people all the time. it could almost be culture shock. but its not just that. i'm always looking for diners and when i hang out with people in cars i never feel like doing anything but driving around. theres no clinton roads or anything crazy here. the people are boring and uncultured. they care about things that i don't . it was such a better life. i was happy with it. i was alone in it too sometimes. but it was just so much better. and when that girl went she took it with her and i wasn't ready to let it go. im still not. but i don't know if i should be. its not even her. we loved eachother in a way that couldn't last long. iwe grew out of it. or it grew out of us maybe. once i figured that out i got right over it. i learned so much from all of it. and now i don't want to impress anyone. i want to meet another girl who can teach me things. i find now that it takes far more for someoen to have an impact on me than it ever did. and the kind of people that im around . i might be alone for a long time.


it takes me an hour to write an entry and i never read them before i post.

i love new jersey. i may have only spent like maybe a total of like 2 or 3 months in actual days there but i really am so down.

i don't want this life, i'll stick with it while i have to but as soon as i can change things i will. i've been friends with these people for a long time, but that's not enough anymore. there are things going on here i want nothing to do with. i've been involved with too many fucked up people for way too long.

i miss new jersey a shit load, and when i see new york i get that same sinking heart feeling that i just got tired of

well the date is set, the plane ticket purchased, october 12th at 4:59pm i'll leave this new york life behind temporarily to return to my home base of edmonton where i'll have to deal with an absolute shitstorm of epic proportions. i touched on this last entry saying about how pissed they would be about me and jess not being together anymore. for the longest time i thought that it almost makes it not worth it, but after being reminded of what my life was before she came around, its worth it to even freaking know her. of course my family isn't going to understand that, right now all the seem to understand is the moneys out and i need a job, they've been on my case about all sorts of things lately, health car, job, my dad moving out. they've been making a big deal about this health care thing, here's the scam: my coverage runs out when i turn 21, apparently i have some important decisions to make about health care. i looked into it, to get back on the payroll i'm going to have to pay a monthly premium, how much of a premium? 44 DOLLARS A MONTH, OHHH WOW THATS A HUGE DEAL, they're making a huge deal out of absolutely everything, they've been on me to get a job like I DONT KNOW I HAVE TO. im not really mad but like , i know they're just looking out for me , but stating the obvious to me isnt really helping, i mean i guess i've been all over the place about what i want to do. heres a recap

i got the idea that i should rent the house out and live elsewhere, they were all about that idea at first, then for some reason they decided to "inform" me (aka tell me the obvious) that any money from renting the house would go into my estate, thats not what changed my mind though. the real estate market is in a huge boom right now and its the opportune time to rent the house out, for some reason they decided to tell my dad i was doing this and THEY were the ones who went to him about moving out, but what changed my mind was, the house needs repairs, and it didn't seem like the repairs were a good idea becuase of the money and the apparent lack of labor available, so i told them i didnt want to rent the house out but i wanted to live there by myself, take care of the repairs over time and rent it out or sell it later, then they said pretty much my whole family had to agree to sell the house, of course i never actually said i wanted to do any of this, it was all speculation, at first they seemed to support the idea of my dad moving out, then i asked for a computer and everything changed, they completely took a 180 on the whole thing. they told me i couldnt move in without a job i had to not be relying on this money, i got pretty pissed at first, i was pretty obsessed with the idea of my dad moving out, all this corrospondence was via email, i dont call anyone whos about to give me the 3rd degree that is completely redundant that i already know. i didnt email them back right away and they emailed me again saying i need a job immediately and i was staying here too long and i needed to come home, they gave me 800 dollars to get myself home and use while im still here, i was super pissed then, i called my dad, told him to get the hell out of my house, i told my family my plans: get a job t osupport the house and get my dad out of there, then i went to barnes and noble, where bono from u2 and maybe the rest of the band was doing a book signing, i didn't actually see him but i decided: fuck this shit, i need as much money as possible immediatley and if i have to take care of the house then thats not going to happen, i went home, called my dad and told him to just forget about all that moving out stuff, i emailed my family and told them they're right im not ready to take care of the house, my dad moving out was a bad idea, that i was going to come home and get a job immediately. they haven't replied, theres nothing really to say. i really am not looking forward to going home, i mostly want my family to leave me the hell alone till i have a job until i get back into the game back home, which shouldn't take long, i already applied for one job, i will apply for more after i get my resume sorted out with the career people.

so thats my life story, other that than of course i don't want to go home becuase new york is the greatest place on the entire planet and theres no way im going to be able to make it as an engineer back home anyways. well maybe but the point is the plan is to come back here, all that stuff about my dad moving out was to help setup a backup plan incase that didnt work, but i decided that i'd rather focus on plan a then worry about having a plan b. everybody wins this way, because my dad doesn't really want to move out and if he's going to keep on paying for shit then whatever i'll put up with his shit and maybe even make an effort to be nice about it.

in other news my i made a swish wish in desktop basketball and i made the shot :)

i like how when my online buddies talk about doing the same thing to people they know as i got done to me they like to commend eachother for it while i sit there and tell them what fucking bastards they are. and then i feel like even more of a loser. that type of action will never be commendable to me, i ould never do that to any of my friends, maybe ti need to become that kind of person. maybe i need to stop having a heart and just have a penis, then maybe i wont get hurt anymore. i can just go around banging every girl possible and being afraid of commitment and breaking hearts all day long. apaprently thats the only answer. i thought jess wasnt one of those girls, i'm not so sure anymore. it borthers me that the only reason we really even started talking again is because she started fighting with her boyfriend and she came to me because she know i'd support her. i almost feel like she took advantage of me. maybe thats not even waht happened. its a horrible thing for me to say happeneing or not. but im sorry. nobody is going to be able to help me but her because shes the only one who can tell me what shes thinking.

i dont want to talk to my family ever again because as soon as someone asks me what happened between me and jess and i ahve to tell them that she up and left me for another guy i am going to get fucking shit on so bad. my life is fucking fucked when i go back. i dont know what to do. i might go stay with one of my friends till i get a job and my dad can move out, i cant even fucking believe this shit. i can never tell them what happened. i can never tell them or anyone half the shit thats gone on here. i can't even believe how fucked i am. i've been gone a year and i can't even talk about it. this is going to drive a huge spike between me and the family i actually like. not to mention i have to go back and deal with my dad. i better figure out something quick. this is NOT what was supposed to happen, bottom line is this is wrong. everything is fucking wrong. this is not at all how life should be write now. and this isnt how it turned out. its just people fighting against their own destinys. everything is wrong. nobody is doing the right thing. i can't even believe how fucked going home is going to be. i don't want to go home but i dont know if i want to stay here either watching everything around me unfold entirely the wrong fucking way and being the only one to notice. i am probably just crazy, if i knew what the fuck i was doing i could do something about it. but you can't fight what you can't see.

its crazy to think that i have friends that i've known most of my friends for 16 years, and the rest of them for 6 and blah blah blah i dont even have to finish this

you're the only person i want to turn to when im sad and the only person i want to tell when im happy.



things i did upstate:


1.saw a license plate that said "liv4ujes"
2.met a bunch of people who listened to bad music but were ok to hang out with
3.drove around and saw the town.
4.hung out in a parking lot
5.crossed an abandoned train track bridge illegally that was pretty dangerous
6.drank arizona
5.drank 1 beer and fell asleep
6.watched 2 episodes of fresh prince on a big tv
7.ate a pizza burger at a diner
8.hung out in another parking lot
9.looked for a skate shop in some town that wasnt the one i went to
10.walked around that same town beside a lake
11.went hiking for an hour in some woods and bruised my leg when i almost fell into a stream
12.re-realized that new jersey is the best place on earth

too many freaking trees upstate. the towns are all pretty spread out , hard to tell you're even in a town or what town you're in, no internet was kind of balls because i missed people alot.