Books On Tape

years

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 06:36:15 GMT

hey livejournal, its me.

i haven't been around for awhile. i doubt i'll even get to the submit button on this entry, largely in part to- i already feel like pressing the red button in the top left corner of safari, but i'm going to force myself not to. i'm going to force myself to write a wall of text as a means of, well i don't know, it seems like the right thing to do right now.

and why is that exactly? i've just spent 42 minutes (actually alot less,i pulled that number out of nowhere) reading the entries in this journal in reverse order from the most recent one to sometime in august 2004, a quick update, i'm STILL bothered, haunted even by the period of time between august 2004 and october 2006. but its not about a broken heart anymore, i'm over that.

thinking about it now, i've realized life may have given me one the most cinematic youth sendoffs in history. it played out like this, a young male that would do anything for love , meets the girl of his dreams from a far away land, he finds his way to her and they engage in an epic romance, overcoming any and all obstacles that stand in their way of happiness, starting out 3000 miles apart, they end up living a mere 10 minute walk from eachother along the same avenue in the greatest city in the world, new york. the only problem is, if you were watching this in the movie theatre, this is the part where the credits roll inferring that the aformentioned main characters live happily ever after, fast forward a few months to the point where everything they've worked for in the name of love begins to unravel at unrelenting speed leading the male lead into a downward spiral of which the negative repercussions have a long lasting and possibly permanent effect, resulting in what begun as a step in the direction of candy coated grandeur taking a left turn into a life of mediocracy.

since then i've become emotionally reclusive to the point where i can barely even use the word "I" without an uncomfortable wave crashing over me, even now i can barely keep this window open, im basically forcing myself to type, which is alot easier than forcing myself to talk. me and my close friends never talk about anything except black people and diarrhea, we never have real conversations, and when we do, they feel forced and shallow, i am reclusive enough as it is, i never want to go out , i just want to stay in and do nothing, id rather talk to people but i just can't, everything i say i just feel like im just following some kind of instruction booklet, you know doing but not really learning. sort of. im way off topic withi this now .

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 04:36:05 GMT

i hold onto it way too tight dont i.

what?

that old life. the one where i sat in cars , drove through towns, ate in diners. i can't believe that was two years ago. i dont know what it is. i feel like its because it was just so much better that here. like i loved it sooo much more than i ever could have expressed. by now the people are probably interchangeable but i really do miss the whole thing. and it makes me feel bad. it was high school for someone. thats not what i miss about it but i still feel like, its time to find something else and stop holding everything up to that. its over. its over its over its over. that subway line is out of service and the shuttle bus took me here. and thats the only direction i can look. i hold my standards too high, i used to be bitter but i might as well have been a teletubby or something compared to now. but im starting to question if its right or fair. i'm not part of that anymore. not a single bit. did i really pick up habits or am i just grasping to hold on as long as i can? people are always giving me shit about my lacoste polos. i hate it. they think im a crazy fuck for wearing them. but in new york people wont even look at you unless your clothes are at least that high end. and its not even that high end. i never act high class. i tell people i wear them becuase they were referenced by carlton in an episode of fresh prince. but at the same time. im got really used to seeing well dressed people all the time. it could almost be culture shock. but its not just that. i'm always looking for diners and when i hang out with people in cars i never feel like doing anything but driving around. theres no clinton roads or anything crazy here. the people are boring and uncultured. they care about things that i don't . it was such a better life. i was happy with it. i was alone in it too sometimes. but it was just so much better. and when that girl went she took it with her and i wasn't ready to let it go. im still not. but i don't know if i should be. its not even her. we loved eachother in a way that couldn't last long. iwe grew out of it. or it grew out of us maybe. once i figured that out i got right over it. i learned so much from all of it. and now i don't want to impress anyone. i want to meet another girl who can teach me things. i find now that it takes far more for someoen to have an impact on me than it ever did. and the kind of people that im around . i might be alone for a long time.

it takes me an hour to write an entry and i never read them before i post.

scams

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 16:12:38 GMT

i love new jersey. i may have only spent like maybe a total of like 2 or 3 months in actual days there but i really am so down.

prepare to jump when the ship has sunk

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 14:47:45 GMT

i don't want this life, i'll stick with it while i have to but as soon as i can change things i will. i've been friends with these people for a long time, but that's not enough anymore. there are things going on here i want nothing to do with. i've been involved with too many fucked up people for way too long.

scarves staves stoves

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 00:48:11 GMT

i miss new jersey a shit load, and when i see new york i get that same sinking heart feeling that i just got tired of

hogwash

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 06:01:15 GMT

well the date is set, the plane ticket purchased, october 12th at 4:59pm i'll leave this new york life behind temporarily to return to my home base of edmonton where i'll have to deal with an absolute shitstorm of epic proportions. i touched on this last entry saying about how pissed they would be about me and jess not being together anymore. for the longest time i thought that it almost makes it not worth it, but after being reminded of what my life was before she came around, its worth it to even freaking know her. of course my family isn't going to understand that, right now all the seem to understand is the moneys out and i need a job, they've been on my case about all sorts of things lately, health car, job, my dad moving out. they've been making a big deal about this health care thing, here's the scam: my coverage runs out when i turn 21, apparently i have some important decisions to make about health care. i looked into it, to get back on the payroll i'm going to have to pay a monthly premium, how much of a premium? 44 DOLLARS A MONTH, OHHH WOW THATS A HUGE DEAL, they're making a huge deal out of absolutely everything, they've been on me to get a job like I DONT KNOW I HAVE TO. im not really mad but like , i know they're just looking out for me , but stating the obvious to me isnt really helping, i mean i guess i've been all over the place about what i want to do. heres a recap

i got the idea that i should rent the house out and live elsewhere, they were all about that idea at first, then for some reason they decided to "inform" me (aka tell me the obvious) that any money from renting the house would go into my estate, thats not what changed my mind though. the real estate market is in a huge boom right now and its the opportune time to rent the house out, for some reason they decided to tell my dad i was doing this and THEY were the ones who went to him about moving out, but what changed my mind was, the house needs repairs, and it didn't seem like the repairs were a good idea becuase of the money and the apparent lack of labor available, so i told them i didnt want to rent the house out but i wanted to live there by myself, take care of the repairs over time and rent it out or sell it later, then they said pretty much my whole family had to agree to sell the house, of course i never actually said i wanted to do any of this, it was all speculation, at first they seemed to support the idea of my dad moving out, then i asked for a computer and everything changed, they completely took a 180 on the whole thing. they told me i couldnt move in without a job i had to not be relying on this money, i got pretty pissed at first, i was pretty obsessed with the idea of my dad moving out, all this corrospondence was via email, i dont call anyone whos about to give me the 3rd degree that is completely redundant that i already know. i didnt email them back right away and they emailed me again saying i need a job immediately and i was staying here too long and i needed to come home, they gave me 800 dollars to get myself home and use while im still here, i was super pissed then, i called my dad, told him to get the hell out of my house, i told my family my plans: get a job t osupport the house and get my dad out of there, then i went to barnes and noble, where bono from u2 and maybe the rest of the band was doing a book signing, i didn't actually see him but i decided: fuck this shit, i need as much money as possible immediatley and if i have to take care of the house then thats not going to happen, i went home, called my dad and told him to just forget about all that moving out stuff, i emailed my family and told them they're right im not ready to take care of the house, my dad moving out was a bad idea, that i was going to come home and get a job immediately. they haven't replied, theres nothing really to say. i really am not looking forward to going home, i mostly want my family to leave me the hell alone till i have a job until i get back into the game back home, which shouldn't take long, i already applied for one job, i will apply for more after i get my resume sorted out with the career people.

so thats my life story, other that than of course i don't want to go home becuase new york is the greatest place on the entire planet and theres no way im going to be able to make it as an engineer back home anyways. well maybe but the point is the plan is to come back here, all that stuff about my dad moving out was to help setup a backup plan incase that didnt work, but i decided that i'd rather focus on plan a then worry about having a plan b. everybody wins this way, because my dad doesn't really want to move out and if he's going to keep on paying for shit then whatever i'll put up with his shit and maybe even make an effort to be nice about it.

in other news my i made a swish wish in desktop basketball and i made the shot :)

FOPJDfksfds

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 22:44:26 GMT

i like how when my online buddies talk about doing the same thing to people they know as i got done to me they like to commend eachother for it while i sit there and tell them what fucking bastards they are. and then i feel like even more of a loser. that type of action will never be commendable to me, i ould never do that to any of my friends, maybe ti need to become that kind of person. maybe i need to stop having a heart and just have a penis, then maybe i wont get hurt anymore. i can just go around banging every girl possible and being afraid of commitment and breaking hearts all day long. apaprently thats the only answer. i thought jess wasnt one of those girls, i'm not so sure anymore. it borthers me that the only reason we really even started talking again is because she started fighting with her boyfriend and she came to me because she know i'd support her. i almost feel like she took advantage of me. maybe thats not even waht happened. its a horrible thing for me to say happeneing or not. but im sorry. nobody is going to be able to help me but her because shes the only one who can tell me what shes thinking.

fuck

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 14:45:48 GMT

i dont want to talk to my family ever again because as soon as someone asks me what happened between me and jess and i ahve to tell them that she up and left me for another guy i am going to get fucking shit on so bad. my life is fucking fucked when i go back. i dont know what to do. i might go stay with one of my friends till i get a job and my dad can move out, i cant even fucking believe this shit. i can never tell them what happened. i can never tell them or anyone half the shit thats gone on here. i can't even believe how fucked i am. i've been gone a year and i can't even talk about it. this is going to drive a huge spike between me and the family i actually like. not to mention i have to go back and deal with my dad. i better figure out something quick. this is NOT what was supposed to happen, bottom line is this is wrong. everything is fucking wrong. this is not at all how life should be write now. and this isnt how it turned out. its just people fighting against their own destinys. everything is wrong. nobody is doing the right thing. i can't even believe how fucked going home is going to be. i don't want to go home but i dont know if i want to stay here either watching everything around me unfold entirely the wrong fucking way and being the only one to notice. i am probably just crazy, if i knew what the fuck i was doing i could do something about it. but you can't fight what you can't see.

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 11:31:24 GMT

its crazy to think that i have friends that i've known most of my friends for 16 years, and the rest of them for 6 and blah blah blah i dont even have to finish this

fdsfds

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 23:01:42 GMT

you're the only person i want to turn to when im sad and the only person i want to tell when im happy.

things i did upstate:

1.saw a license plate that said "liv4ujes"
2.met a bunch of people who listened to bad music but were ok to hang out with
3.drove around and saw the town.
4.hung out in a parking lot
5.crossed an abandoned train track bridge illegally that was pretty dangerous
6.drank arizona
5.drank 1 beer and fell asleep
6.watched 2 episodes of fresh prince on a big tv
7.ate a pizza burger at a diner
8.hung out in another parking lot
9.looked for a skate shop in some town that wasnt the one i went to
10.walked around that same town beside a lake
11.went hiking for an hour in some woods and bruised my leg when i almost fell into a stream
12.re-realized that new jersey is the best place on earth

too many freaking trees upstate. the towns are all pretty spread out , hard to tell you're even in a town or what town you're in, no internet was kind of balls because i missed people alot.

i have dreams of orca whales

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 11:46:48 GMT

pretty much every girl i know has been in an emotionally abusive relationship. i dont get it, why are dudes so freaking retarded? untrusting, impatient nazi fucks. reminds me of why i hate people. oh well at least i'll never be one of those boyfriends. i mean im WAY too good for that, no girl deserves to have that done to them, especially not any girl that i've deemed good enough to care about. but theres not alot you can do about that kind of thing, i wish i could figure out a way, short of the old 2x4 to the side of the head, which of course im totally NOT capable of, i could never fight with someone, is it because im too much of a pansy? you bet your ass it is , with the way the movies and shit always make fighting look so cool , but see smart people realize that mortal kombat really isnt the best way to handle a situation, and i'd reather be a huge pansy than a huge idiot any day.

the miracle of 87

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 23:27:02 GMT

history has a way of repeating itself doesnt it. ancient history does anyways. guess people never learn the lessons that they should.

revelation

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 23:19:09 GMT

turns out all major movie plots are just rehashed storylines from star trek the next generation

hotel

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 04:53:58 GMT

i've decided i want to live by the water.

supper

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 20:40:24 GMT

do you know what this is?

gidshgag

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 11:00:57 GMT

i fucking miss new jersey, what about it? everything, memories that i miss the most are driving around at night, i dont know where that came from, but its there, like how a couple of weeks ago all i could think about all day every day for like 3 days was going to connecticut on valentines. these memories just come out of nowhere and don't go anywhere. i need to get out of the city. is what needs to happen. but it needs to be for a good reason. i hate that even now anytime i see anything having to do with jersey it always piques my interest, no matter what it is. i hate that hard work can go to a huge waste , i hate that im writing this down in here. this isnt where it should be going. \\\

but all whining aside, other than that there isn't much else to talk about right now. pretty much nothing is going on, maybe when something goes on. yesterday was just a bad day overall i think is the problem.

you do the science

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 19:42:27 GMT

http://www.blogsmithmedia.com/www.engadget.com/media/2006/09/dsc_0847.jpg

steve jobs and his pie charts what a story they tell

FINALLY

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 10:44:44 GMT

to celebrate the good tidings the day is sure to bring i offer my livejournal readings some of the elegant quotes of mr.alligator. for those of you not familiar with mr.alligator, its a widget for mac that you click on it and it just says the most ridiculous things you will ever read.

Ceasar scavenges tasties.
This eagle swatted aboard her vicious pythons.
What is towards that felicitous sargeant?
Can I pat Billy the kid?
My obscene gangsta should be very super fantabulous.
Many fields messed around their housecats.
Her thrilling cabbages wrapped upon her tiny plot.
Why does Abe Lincoln jab gorillas?
Fangoriously you point the mcguffin.
Your tater swabbed by some felicitous asteroids.
No fountains please.
Your homie chokes every skeet.
Who crawled Paris Hilton?
Tom Curise was tracking salty stages.
Their negligent smurf flopped Jimmy.
Our square bathtub was blogging beyond this colour.
Why does your fascinating parrot hammer so quietly?
I should be swimming hunormous fish.
Why does Papa Smurf scrape tanks?
Elmer Fud repeatedly extinguishes a lotion.
I hissed your zone.
You smell like fire hydrant.

i have come to the conclusion that mr.alligator is worth owning a mac for, a 148k widget might not be worth spendingn AT least 600 dollars on to most people but expensive people such as myself and others it's well worth it. i just love absolute nonsense, unless it involves me becoming an emotional wreck for months at a time. but whatever.

good day bad day

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 23:36:08 GMT

has this been a bad day or a good day? hmmm

good:
saw part of the city i've never seen
went for a walk
saw jessica and had fun
solved a mystery
got to talk to camilla for awhile and help her out
watched star trek with my roomate
severyly improved my makeshift laptop setup

bad:
was too early ended up waiting outside
spent entirely too much money
bought a sandwich for 7 dollars that i thought was 3
my friend came over with free potato chips but i was out
cockroach invasion 1999 is going on in my apartment
decided new york is way too loud to use my cellphone as a boombox

os mutants

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 00:42:27 GMT

turns out everyone i forgot about back home didn't forget about me just like i wont forget about anyone here when they forget about me. but its weird like. people i havent talked to in months , years even, and its like i talked to them yesterday or something, maybe not up on all the events but like, i dunno. maybe its jsut becuase nobody back home as changed. but does that mean i havent either? no i got the fuck out of there, i really am quite a different person ,but the same fundamentals i guess, also i think the glue holding these friendships together is probably made strictly out of memories as if i were to meet any of these people today i'd probaby be like wtf. but memories dont just go away, not even if they get replaced with new better memories, which i have fucking plenty of. but the question is. what is stopping people from unsticking that glue, saying to hell with it and just telling every one of those people to fuck right off? thats sort of what i was doing by moving here, but not really at hte same time, if the good the bad and the ugly hadnt happened id probably never would have started talking to any of them again, maybe thats the whole problem. i mean i havent had the worst life in the world but its like one fucked up situuation after another, and im one of the lucky people who will always have places to turn to. but im screwed now in other departments. because the student will probably never outshine the teacher in this case, i'll be screwed settling for something less for the rest of my life. even looking on bright sides isn't going to help, but it wasnt just the girl that did this to me, it was the internet that helped me embrace american culture, and the girl that showed me what it was, and its a HUGE part of me now, it practically is me, but at the same time, i know what makes canadians canadians, and i dont think i ever had it i nme. which leads to all sorts of other roads that i dare not step down. at hte same time , is this me? is this really waht i want? or am i just holding on to it because its what it was. the more i think about it, the more it confuses me, but its the same on the other end of the pipe too so at least im not alone. im alot better off now than i was before any of this. ALOT better, so much so in fact that i can barely remember what it was like before, except these memories that people have, well they would never play out the same way as they did if they were to be relived with updated versions of the people involved. but luckily that will never happen, but was it those experiences that paved the way for what was to come? was it something else? i like to think of it in combination. if i ever find out, it better be good.

i love how i have my lj pix set on random and this one is the only one it ever chooses, i hope that shirt is still in my closet.

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 20:49:15 GMT

well it looks like the next 3 weeks until chelsey gets here are going to be a huge waste of time, i have nothing to do and nobody to do it with. if she wasnt coming i'd be on a plane by now

lost is awesome

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 20:25:50 GMT

some things are beautiful , like the 24 inch imac that just came out yesterday.

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 17:23:52 GMT

you know what i just realized, this whole camilla rhodes thing is like some fucking timeloop back to the future marty mcfly bullshit. you know why? cause you know who she is. she is sanam from '03 , well shes not the same person but its the same thing as that, she's just some weird girl from bc who i have a ridiculously good repor with yet its not really connecting on a personal level though, and like it shouldnt be probably because its the internet but you know what, it happens. so whatever, its like when austin powers found out his wife was a robot in the beginning of #2 so like whatever thats all just a huge waste of time. what is it anyways? its nothing is what it is. not that it was every anything. its just like when you talk to someone alll freaking day, yeah you know how that it is.

for those readers out there familiar with my library of slang. case closed.

anyways um so lets say this proposed "timeloop" were to be real, this is how it would work, it would be like you keep living your life by the events that occur in your life over time repeat themselves just with different people and places. so who knows maybe i'll meet another jess from california in 6 months, and maybe 2 and 6 months after that, i'll meet another one and another one and maybe only one of them is the real one and maybe its not this one. this is all highly illogical but whatever, if people can post homemade music videos for other bands songs that they have no idea what ideas that band may have chosen to convey had they decided to make a video for themselves on youtube then i can write admittedly non-sensicle theories about life in a journal that has maybe 2 readers in as opposed to millions maybe even billions of viewers.

and

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 21:14:25 GMT

for those of you just tuning in. heres something really annoying , when people make it a point to announce their online drinking activities. for instance when a bright young individual of the highest social stature decides to inform you that they are leaving the computer and will be right back with another beer. keeping in mind , this information could prove useful , when deciphering the mysteries of an innebriated persons obscure typing meanderings. but to announce something that will end up having no effect on the conversation, whats the point? im drinking right now, afk beer, you still sound fucking sober to me so what the fuck do i care. also the worst part about people who aren't legal drinking age (even though im not here i was back home) is how underage people make such a big deal about drinking, it's just not a big deal, to make it a point about hwen you drank, how much you drank and what effect it had on you, i mean maybe if it was something major but like you know otherwise its just not that exciting of news. and yeah im takling about my ex girlfriend drinking which i never could get used to and now she tells me shes drinking for 10 hours and all this. i just dont udnerstand how she can be so proud of her drinking when that type of behavior has effected her family. i mean doing it is one thing but then practically bragging about it afterwards i dont know , maybe its just a cultural thing becuase of the legal age limits but at the same time i've always kept my own malarky low key. so really hte point i'm making is , i dont think its needed but if its that exciting to her then i'll listen to it all day long

that tatoo isn't funny anymore

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 04:56:12 GMT

so this is what happened tonight that wasnt really that important, my friend has an ex girlfriend who i occationally talk to on aol, anyways we started talking about their relationship and then about the one i was in awhile ago. and it started to look like the same thing. you can really connect with someone that way. which brings me to my next point, what the fuck is it going to take for me to connect with someone else that way? and then this. this is what the scam worked out to, both relationships ended becuase of obstacles one party couldn't overcome, in her case it was distance (but ha ha what do people know about distance) and mine was feelings for another person. even weirder it was like i was talking to myself because when she told her story she reacted the same way i would. so now i don't feel so bad.

on to another fun topic, the code.

here's a racap of the code

one mans treasure is not another man's treasure ,, thats really the best way i can think to put it. like think of it this way, if you're watching a movie you really like , would you like it if one of your friends just hit stop, ejected the dvd and took it home with them? of course not, so why am i on about the code again? now? its been almost 6 months. but listen, i dont fucking care anymore, in a month im moving the fuck out of here and it will be the worst thing i ever do.

even though my friends moved away like almost 2 weeks ago, i feel twice as alone now that my ex girlfriend is living only a bus away (yeah thats right the water street bus is the same fucking one i take sometimes because it stops on my block) its fucked ever since she came back into my life again, i just don't know . all of this is a bunch of malarky, everything right now that involves females is.

i feel like im in purgatory or some shit, i died and now i have one last chance to redeem myself and choose my path to the afterlife , and right now i just dont know which way that is.